Proposed Film #1

Dear Hollywood,

I would like to write a movie for you. I promise that I will work very hard on it and promote it widely.

It is called ‘Two By Two: An Awkumentary’

It will be so funny that you will laugh. It will star Cary Elwes as Robert DeNiro and Robert DeNiro as Cary Elwes. It will be structured around three montages- one of cooking, one of exercising/training, and one of falling in love.

During the film, Cary Elwes will be filmed telling Robert DeNiro’s life story as his own and Robert DeNiro will be filmed telling Cary Elwes’s as his own.


The film begins with a shot of a very large crystal throne. Cary Elwes, wearing an elaborate costume and flanked by halberd-wielding bear-attendants, walks up to and sits on the throne. He narrates Robert DeNiro’s life in the first person for about four minutes.

“Hello. I am Robert DeNiro. I was born in New York City during the second World War…”

While Elwes is talking, DeNiro is lowered into the shot on ropes. He is wearing a bright white unitard with flourescent lights as piping to outline his whole body. DeNiro begins speaking.

“Hello. My name is Cary Elwes…”

The camera focuses all the way in to his mouth as he narrates the life of Cary Elwes for about two and a half minutes.

The screen goes black and then there is a shot of the whole set from far away. The set rotates in a circle, revealing a different set behind it. This is a stage with a sumptuous red velvet curtain. The curtain is withdrawn and Montage #1 begins.

The camera focuses on the screen so that the screen of the stage fills the whole frame. The title reads: Montage #1: Cooking. The Elwes and DeNiro cooking-montage runs. Camera pulls back at end of montage to reveal the red curtain and stage. Stage rotates again, revealing our stars eating dinner together. They are seated across from each other at a Harkness Table.

Both are lifted with ropes and, as they rise, they grab the table cloth and hold it aloft between them. The plates and food from dinner tumble to the ground and the raised cloth becomes a screen on which is projected Montage #2: Excercise/Training.

This is the training montage from Rocky IV.

A hole burns in the back of the table cloth. DeNiro and Elwes drop the ends of the cloth before they are burned.

They do not kiss, but they think about kissing.

They are lowered onto the table top and stand there, about a foot apart from each other. The bear attendants pick them up from behind and carry them gently off of the stage. The camera comes over the stage via a smooth (wire-suspended) motion to focus directly down on the table top. Large paint rollers paint the table top bright white.

The title ‘Love Montage’ is projected onto the table top by an old analog film projector.

A montage plays that is composed of close-up shots of the two actors’ faces from throughout the film. The music and the title ‘Love Montage’ makes it seem like it is a classic ‘falling in love’ montage. No one knows if they have fallen in love.

The final shot is DeNiro standing in a nondescript room. The camera does not move and focuses at medium depth. DeNiro tells a joke.




4 Responses to “Proposed Film #1”

  1. 1 Todd
    December 10, 2010 at 8:03 am

    isnt this what the holy mountain is about?

  2. 2 johuat
    December 11, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Alec Baldwin should be in this movie too. Maybe he could play the table?

  3. December 25, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    @Tod – Could not finish Holy Mt. Do not understand what the big deal about it is exactly.

  4. 4 Todd
    December 30, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    @Dallas – Yr fucking crazy the holy mountain rules so hard. Especially the ending.

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