Dear Ghost Islanders,
Ambivalence has become the major [mood? stimmung? attitude? emotional cloud?] under which I operate.
I am not simply neutral, not even struck by the undecidable. I am moved in multiple different ways by the same things, am ambi-valent.
Take desire, which I am of course driven to and terrified of speaking about.
Take also fame, or ‘fame’, or being-in-public, which in my own small way I am attempting to have/be/do a lot more of over the next few months. I’m involved in a number of projects which I will be promoting and attempting to promote and attempting to get you all to also promote.
I am ambivalent about promotion.
Part of me is sorry that I am doing this. I am sorry.
I apologize, and not only is this a kind of rhetorical strategy. It is, but it is also real. But part of me is also very much wanting to be read and spoken of because (here again: fract(ur/ion)ing of emotions/desire) of belief in the projects I will be hyping. Of course, this is also a desire fueled by simple self-interest (careerism, narcissism). The desire for recognition is itself marked by the cohabitation of pride and disgust for such desire, as the ends that produce said desire call for such divergent attitudes.
I am desirous of success, ambivalent about success, ambivalent about the desire for success. I am defining success somewhat idiosyncratically, but don’t have the language at hand to explain the exact pitch of my usage.
One of the big projects inspiring this line of thought– this heightened awareness of the ambivalence that attends my ambitions– deals very directly with the problematic of name/fame/quality/desire/possibility. Imagine all of those words mean themselves in all possible connotations. Now re-order them. I think there’s a there there.
There will be more soon: Announcements and Pleas(es). In advance, I am sorry and/or look at me.
(This image comes up for the search stimmung. It seemed appropriate.)